A bit of Radio 4.

There's something about Radio 4, I'll put it on whilst I'm doing something, like surfing the internet, reading a book, or falling asleep and it lulls me into a waking torpor - like a conversation at a party that you're trying to do well at because you don't want to be one of those people, but there really are more interesting things happening just over there.

I'll start, and suddenly the prime minister is aurally gurning at my head, or there's an obnoxiously dull radio play on, or some documentary has started that it takes precisely 14 minutes to actually work out what the hell the thing is about. I can see how people might have got excited about the radio, but then the television got invented. It's intellectual cycling - people get the opportunity to feel smug whilst not getting very far.

Radio 4 is very much like one of those electric exercise things you occasionally see adverts for. You can stick them to your tummy and eat burgers whilst volts are pumped into your gut and apparently they tighten up your flabby, distended abdominals. It's something for nothing, an easy win in return for just sitting there whilst your belly twitches.

With Radio 4 you might feel like you're getting smarter just having it on, but in reality looking at Facebook at the same time is actually making you even stupider. In fact I don't think I've ever even met anyone who can match the before and after transition from the frazzle-me-a-six-pack contraption adverts. Once the people who sold it you have shifted a few thousand on a backwater shopping channel they nip over to the Bahamas and change their names before you get a chance to realise how fat you've become.

And besides, you can't walk anyway. I might try a book.