THE BIG ELECTION DEBATE: a live blog

The election debate, as it happened:

8.25pm: So it's all go for the first ever leaders' debate on British television in the run-up to election 2010. Fun times. The news outlets are going gaga, the ash is taking over the country and the world is going mad. For the next 90 minutes eyes will be fixed on four dreary middle-aged men on a yellow stage in deepest central London that looks like the setting for the Electrician of the Year Awards.

Stick with me baby, we're going to live blog this thing.

8.33pm: I got it wrong - the debate is in Manchester. It's Alastair wotsisface off the news and some dodgy synthesizer music.

8.34pm: Alastair's tie is disgusting. It looks like a food fight in a circus. 2/10. Nick Clegg has a freshly-laundered suit and a beguiling yellow tie. 6/10. Are the other two going to go along party lines? Nick is very earnest so far.

8.35pm: Gordon manages to monkey his intro and he's wearing a pink tie that must be some sort of joke. Thankfully his suit seems to fit. But that tie is distinctly wonky. 4/10. First mention of that tasty double-dip recession ten seconds in.

8.36pm: George Osborne looked like Dolly Parton in the chancellors' debate the other week he was wearing so much make-up - Dave seems to have gone down the same route of a matte foundation. Is he worried about sweating? I'll keep an eye out. Nice blue tie, not shiny. 5/10.

8.38pm: Gordon isn't going to allow any chefs in from outside the European Union? You can kiss goodbye to your Chinese takeaways, chaps. It's fish and chips all the way under a Labour government. I can't listen to anything Dave is saying because he's been on the sunbed. What colour is that? I think we have a Dulux swatch round here somewhere.

8.41pm: Mum has arrived with some dinner. I am in a position to inform you, reader, that I am eating chips with mini bratwurst and some of yesterday's macaroni cheese. I have some mineral water on the side.

8.42pm: Dave just said something about meeting a 40-year-old black man in Plymouth. They live to a ripe old age these days, you know. Are you really allowed to say that, though? Surely they should be constituents of non-European non-white origins? 

8.46pm: I do wish the cameraman would keep still, I'm feeling sort of queasy with all the moving backwards and forwards. We've got some to and fro here, which is fun. I'm not following anything any of them are saying on immigration, let's hope they move onto something interesting.

8.48pm: A mother-of-two-from-Burnley is now apparently asking a question, but using the opportunity to brag about the fact that her home town is the burglariest place in the country. I suppose you have to get tourists in somehow. Dave is doing his 'I'm serious about this' face. The bratwursts are delicious with a bit of tomato sauce.

8.51pm: 'Parents must take responsibility for their children', says the current prime minister. This must come as a relief for the former prime minister, whose son was found throwing his guts up near Trafalgar Square some years ago.

8.55pm: Gordon gets a strangely bitter little swipe in at the Tories for their posters. He's not a funny man. His tie is really distracting me now, it may as well have been a novelty Simpsons one. I think Nick speaks with authority on issues of reforming criminals, he was after all charged with arson after setting a cactus on fire in Germany.

8.57pm: Alistair 'Police, Camera, Action' Stewart is getting some good discussion in here - I think that M. Night Shyamalan was better on Channel 4 News the other week, but this debate is perkier than I was expecting. I keep seeing Gordon Brown on the edge of shot trying to interrupt everyone by getting his hands ready. It's annoying.

9.00pm: My mum is contributing to this important ALBOWIEB coverage by pointing out Nick Clegg's acne scars - I've never noticed them before, but look at the left side of his throat. Cameron is curiously pink under his make-up - I don't think he's going to age well.

9.02pm: Mostly populist stuff - mentioning quangos, more police on the street, feeling safe, etc. No-one is listening to it, but they know if this stuff is mentioned that it must be bad. Nick is on a nice little roll here telling the other chaps off for blocking parliamentary reform. Dave and Gordon sound quite hollow when they're talking about the need for changing things. The Lib Dems are the only ones who came out relatively unblemished from the expenses scandal.

9.05pm: 'There are still three Labour MPs in court at the moment' says Dave. Well someone let them out!

9.07pm: The way Gordon says 'constituency' really gets on my nerves. I hate that thing he does with his mouth, why can't someone electrocute him every time he does and try to train him out of it? It works with mice, I think

9.09pm: So there's one person in the studio who will apologise for getting what he has said wrong, but it's only Alistair 'he's crashed, he's crashed, he's crashed' Stewart off the news 20 years ago apologising for getting the days wrong for the debates in Scotland and Wales that no-one cares about.

9.12pm: 4,000 pages! I can't even remember what Nick was talking about, but I am outraged nevertheless. More teachers and that. Gordon agrees. Gordon agrees with everything Nick says, it's getting rather sickening. I think poor Dave might be sitting on his own at lunch.

9.14pm: When we see the party leaders writing things down when the question is being asked I'm guessing it's the name of the povver from the audience who asked the question, so I can say with real conviction, Delores, that I am answering your question directly because look I've remembered your miserable name.

9.16pm: I'm sure Gordon's proclamations on education policy are enthralling, but I'm mostly fixated by his ears. Do you think he has super hearing? They look like the things that monitor space at Jodrell Bank. Dave is starting to sweat, his hairline is matting. Gordon is trying to look jocular by smiling at regular intervals, I think his Casio must be bleeping every 3 minutes to remind him.

9.18pm: AAARGH! Did Nick just say there should be school in the evening and on Saturdays?

9.19pm: 'I too want freedom for schools, which is why if they're failing they will be taken over...' - something doesn't fit there in another attempt by Gordon to lovebomb Nick and his potential coalition buddies in the Liberal Democrats.

9.22pm: Goodness these things do get dull quickly. Not live blogs, of course, but BIG POLITICAL EVENTS. Buy some coffee in chaps, there are two more after this. I think they should all be invited onto Top Gear to see how fast they go round the track in the Reasonably Priced Car. Except for Gordon, he can't drive, he would need his civil service driver to take him round the track.

9.26pm: I've finished dinner, by the way. The chips were lovely - I'm normally more of a french-cut fries kind of chap, but these were steak-cut CHIPS. Obviously not cut with a steak, because that would be stupid. Now considering a cup of tea - I really shouldn't have caffeine this late in the day, but I think I need some sort of boost to get through the last half hour.

9.28pm: Dave is doing lots of frowning whilst pretending to listen, whilst Nick actually seems like he is listening to what the other guys are saying. He does have more time to listen, I suppose, but he's coming out of it quite well so far.

9.31pm: Alistair 'remember me?' Stewart keeps doing a pointless little biography of the questioners before they ask their question. I don't know why. 'Our next question comes from Bill, he's in his late-40s and he's a management consultant from Manchester, he likes jogging.'

9.32pm: Questioner says that too many soldiers are dying and they're being underpaid. Well, they won't need cash where they're going.

9.33pm: ...Afghanistan, I mean - there can't be that many shops.

9.34pm: Dave says he's been to Afghanistan in each of the past four years - makes it sound like the fricking Riviera. They're all falling over themselves to look statesmanlike on international issues now. It's the key to being prime ministerial.

9.37pm: Those coloured lights behind the chaps make it look like a studio round of the Krypton Factor. Which would have been a much more fun use of the evening - Gordon would have buggered up the carrier landing and the assault course but I bet his general knowledge is good.

9.38pm: Dave is looking slick. Gordon is looking undead. Do you think he might be a vampire? I'm going to have to find some ways to slag off the other two equally, I do want to be impartial of course.

9.41pm: The helicopters from Iraq had to be refitted for Afghanistan because the terrain was different, says Gordon. Bit odd - I always thought that helicopters flew, like in the air and that. Ooh, another question from someone with a colourful back story. And an ethnic too, isn't this an exciting evening.

9.42pm: Oh no, Gordon Brown just used the phrase 'home help' - that was a bit racist, wasn't it? Wait, he's talking about old people.

9.44pm: Dave does drone on, doesn't he - not content with reiterating a point twice when he can do it three times. I wish the judges would hurry up and press their three buzzers. Nick's up now saying how lovely he thinks the NHS is.

9.47pm: 'The drugs have got to be there when you need them', says Dave. Oh yes? He also mentioned something about a cancer drugs fund - I'm not really one for getting wasted, but I'd definitely take the drugs over the cancer if the government gave me the choice.

9.49pm: I understand that Nick Clegg is polling at 52% in the Channel 4 polls so far - whilst the other two fight it out like little old women here comes the Lib Dem leader to win the election by stealth. That would be a story, wouldn't it? It'll be tougher for him in the next couple of debates, you can only play the outsider and the underdog for so long.

9.50pm: Alistair 'second wind' Stewart is REALLY STARTING TO SHOUT NOW. He's getting on my nerves. What party is he representing?

9.51pm: They'd have been as well getting that Scottish bloke off Gladiators to do the smackdown countdowns.

9.52pm: That's a really crap tie he's wearing.

9.54pm: Nick Clegg is at a canter now - I think he's found his strength. He's not so good doing big speeches because he lacks the presence of Blair at a podium or the charisma of Cameron and his 'look no notes' trick. But here, connecting with people, talking sense - he seems to have got it. Dave is the big loser here, he hasn't really scored any good hits on Gordon. And he's really sweating now.

9.59pm: Almost over. I'm waiting for the talents round, but I'm turning off before the swimsuits come out.

10.00pm: Alistair 'you can catch me on the lunchtime news' Stewart calls a halt to the questions and the boys have a little speech each to close. The big winners here are the Liberal Democrats - and I'm not just saying that - both Dave and Gordon have conspicuously failed to land any blows on each other. Gordon edges Dave into last place simply because expectations were so low. Bit rich of the PM to say the evening has been a 'great exchange of ideas' - perhaps he'll elaborate on which of the opposition's ideas he'll be taking away as policy.

10.06pm: It's all over. Interesting stuff - no revelations apart from a giant leg up for the Lib Dems. Fantastic moment at the end as Nick and Dave stand bemused watching Gordon try to work the crowd. It's been fun, dearest reader - we should do this again some time.