An assortment of polite notices.

I work in a hideously over-air-conditioned open plan office in Croydon, where our humble brigade of workers mixes with those similarly oppressed office-wallahs from other organisations. It's the worst blend of awkward workplace and battery chicken student houseshare.

We have a communal kitchen on our floor that is the subject of much passive aggression, with open warfare that has recently spread to the toilets.

It all started quite nicely in the kitchen.

This is our recycling notice. We have no recycling bin. When the cleaner comes round the office to empty the recycling bin next to my desk, he tips it into the same bag he just used for the rubbish bin. Still, it's nice to know what might have been. 

Ooh, a jaunty reminder about not leaving festering mould-rimmed yoghurts in the fridge. This has a lovely rhythm to it, and as a result I am only too happy to throw away my food when it is six months past its sell-by date. NB Anything marked 'polite notice' is not.

This was our second rhyming addition to the kitchen. Note that it is laminated, clearly a well-resourced office, this one, and keen to make a lasting point. This clever ditty has been written from the point of view of the dishwasher and fixed to its front. Nice.

This 'et of ervice' sign really leaves you guessing. Mainly because of the toilet brush paperweight holding it down. Given that this poorly ventilated room does not have any access to an outside source of air, I rather think the brush is overkill. Also, no rhyming.

This is where the notes really kicked off lately. The font is too small, I don't appreciate the massive paragraph breaks and there are occasional lapses in grammar that shouldn't be creeping in if you're after the moral high ground.

I do like how this one is dated (because it's important to know precisely when it was put up), but not signed. Kind regards, eh? Cowards.

'Please leave this cubicle as you would wish to find it' - this is a Christ-like sentiment of community living. If only we could all aspire to leave the cubicles of the world as we would wish to find them, I think planet earth would be a much better place to live, don't you?

'Excessive use of toilet paper can cause blockages' is a masterfully understated mess of tautology. Now, moderate use of toilet paper can cause blockages? That would be something to print in colour, laminate and write home about.

The movement is spreading. No, not that kind of movement, that's disgusting. Not only were the most recent notes prolifically splattered across every single cubicle door (although this last one wasn't laminated, which strikes as both stingy and unhygienic), they are echoing each other's sentiments. Do unto these toilets as you would wish to be done unto you. Eurgh, not that again. Seriously, what's wrong with you?

I'm not even going to explain what's been happening to warrant the excessive show of force from the passive aggressive notes police, because it's much more fun if I don't. But this final one? It's a masterpiece. A bold, fresh font with just a hint of serif about it, restrained use of red as a highlight, and CAPS ALL ROUND FOR EXTRA SHOUTY GOODNESS.

Reader, I know that you will be on tenterhooks for any further updates. I shall keep you informed.