A Little Bit Of Wisdom In Every Box...

I have this very day asked my social secretary'...

2012-01-01T12:29:02.487Z

I have this very day asked my social secretary's social secretary's secretary's deputy assistant to dispatch to you, via a small footman or other runner, and with all possible haste, upon this, the very season of New and Happy Christmas'ies'es and Merry Yearing, our most seasonal and sincere felicitatious greeting-esque sentiments.

Please tip the messanger a florin or half-crown upon arrival as we had him run off the estate by the gamekeepers when he seemed reluctant to slip from a postman's "second-class" jog into a telegraph boy's canter, as is proper for the nature of our missive, and consequently we were unable to pay him before he left, although he ay retain some buckshot and a few commas, and pauses, that we, have not, used.

Merry, er, and a very happy, um, etcetera Sir.

Merry, um, well merry ah... sort of really, yes in...

2011-12-25T17:01:22.104Z

Merry, um, well merry ah... sort of really, yes indeed. All depends on outlook and whether one considers one's swimming pool to be half full or half empty, I suppose.

Depends on whether you're planning any diving I suppose, too.

And a happy new, er, a very happy new um, as well of course.

Splendid. Yes. More brandy I think. Yes. Definitely. And a mince um.

I was hoping that a grammar quango might be set up...

2011-12-24T15:33:02.968Z

I was hoping that a grammar quango might be set up at some point, but what with austerity being all the rage it doesn't look likely to happen.

Rootes survived the war OK, but was bought up by C...

2011-12-24T15:31:01.124Z

Rootes survived the war OK, but was bought up by Chrysler in the late 1960s. Those factories were what became the Peugeot-Talbot ones later on.

I did once write a letter to the Options hot choco...

2011-12-24T15:27:47.512Z

I did once write a letter to the Options hot chocolate people to ask that my purchase not be associated with their advert full of women lounging orgasmically in a spa with a mug of Mint Madness.

That would certainly be an elaborate way of making...

2011-12-24T15:25:29.206Z

That would certainly be an elaborate way of making your breakfast, but it does confound the proverb, or whatever we might call it.

Don't even get me started on the adverb. Is t...

2011-12-24T09:07:57.136Z

Don't even get me started on the adverb.

Is there a government agency grammaticaware.co.uk that could mayhap prompt H.M. Public to "Do grammatical"?

The English language is being displaced by the American language. It is some sort of foreign karmic quid pro quo for the British Empire. I'm sure that the American language is a fine one, but it makes me twitch and frequently knits my eyebrows with the effort of clarification.

I run a rescue centre for abandoned adverbs, the notion that "couple" is a number (instead of an indication of a number) and for the word "take" which has largely been supplanted by the word "bring". I have called it "Rescue Fresh, Rescue Healthy" and I drive safe to it every day.

Seems as though anything goes these days, the rules of the code we use to make English understandable between folk who have not previously met have been abandoned. So, in a "Happy Holidays" spirit I shall bid you "A very merry wibble moo fribble de-clomply" followed by a small, resigned "Harrumph".

Harrumph. Damned colonials.

Advertising works - I haven't been able to buy...

2011-12-20T20:18:06.962Z

Advertising works - I haven't been able to buy a single "grooming product for the discerning male" for decades for fear of encouraging womans to do wild and photogenic heterosexual beach sex on me.

Can't even used products meant for laydees since the adverts for those all seem to indicate that I would need to shave more things and more frequently than ever and all in an overflowing mountaintop bath during multiple orgasms and extracts of fruit.

Don't seem to remember ever seeing an advert for a deodorant/showergel/razor that suggested using it might be safe for a happy and contented member of the Nellie Community, fruit extracts or otherwise. I suppose that the scientifically demonstrable efficacy of such a product would scare away 95% of the market. I mean, these things do work, after all don't they? Couldn't legally advertise them this way otherwise, surely? The birth rate would plummet and the Army would have to improve its uniforms to recruit anyone at all. Social chaos and confusion. One spray and you're in the Village People, so to speak.

Do remember the Lynx advert though, where some chap rolled an aerosol of body-spray down the aisle of a South American bus to attract a hapless female. I'm guessing that since the invention of "nine-eleven" and "seven-seven" that would be illegal under the Paranoia Act of Twenty-Ten.

Ah, the Rootes Group of motor vehicle manufacturie...

2011-12-14T14:47:31.787Z

Ah, the Rootes Group of motor vehicle manufacturies. Is is true that they went out of business in the sixties because the buildings were all levelled during the Second World War?

All of those great, great Rootes Group names: Hillman; Singer; Tonka; Dinky; Corgi; Matchbox.

I remember my late father had a Matchbox E-Type for years and used to drive it like a loon.

If you can't get to a sunbed you can always fake the sunburn with a potato-peeler and some Umbrol No.3 Red. You can get it in little tins.

You could blow the eggs (small hole in one end, sl...

2011-12-14T08:34:31.244Z

You could blow the eggs (small hole in one end, slightly larger in the other, few big puffs emit the contents, helps if you spike the yolk with a pin). Or do two holes still count as "broken"?

Eggs are dangerous things and are linked by scient...

2011-12-13T19:13:32.035Z

Eggs are dangerous things and are linked by scientifical evidence to conundrums. I have never been able to play regular drums, let alone conundrums.

My mum had to get rid of the Magpie clock because ...

2011-12-13T08:47:43.745Z

My mum had to get rid of the Magpie clock because she kept finding all of the cutlery in it.

Cuckoo clocks should be banned. You bring one into...

2011-12-12T19:32:23.475Z

Cuckoo clocks should be banned. You bring one into the house and before you know it they've replaced the young of every other clock in the place. There's no sight sadder than a Grandfather or a Westminster Repeater trying to hatch some little cuckoo mechanism as though it were the fruit of their own pendulums. Pendulii? Whatever the plural for clock genitalia is, anyway.

Witnessing the whining of the Water Board is one o...

2011-12-05T13:02:26.266Z

Witnessing the whining of the Water Board is one of my favourite pastimes. They don't know whether they charge us for the water itself or for its supply and delivery. If it's the water itself then who gave them ownership of it as it falls everywhere from the sky, if it's the infrastructure of delivery we're paying for then how dare they be interested in how much goes through those pipes? But if they own the water and there's a drought and everyone dies of human desiccation-fever then they are legally culpable for failing to ensure meteorological co-operation... but if it's just the pipes they charge for and there's nothing to come out of them then how come they can enforce rationing or turn supplies off for "droughts" when they don't own the H2O and dry but otherwise functional taps should be none of their toe-jam? Oh, the logic makes their little heads boil.

Wait until H.M. Government gives the franchise for Atmospheric Supplies on a minimum bid basis to some Franch-Argentinian Conglomerate...

What fun awaits us then?

The important thing is that we the peasants be made to pay as much as we possibly can be made to pay and bugger the logic of why or for what.

Harrumph. Exits stage left with a sink plunger, a rolled-up umbrolly and list of sitting MPs.

Maybe that should have been the answer, just block...

2011-12-01T18:41:34.617Z

Maybe that should have been the answer, just blocking everyone into silence...alas, too late now.

My A*seBook "news" feed went silent rece...

2011-11-26T20:50:01.193Z

My A*seBook "news" feed went silent recently - it took me a while to figure out that I had actually "unsubscribed" from everybody...

It was an easy process - one baby picture posted and you're blocked, one graphic description of nasal or bowel problems and you're blocked, one "please copy this to your status for one hour" message and you're blocked... etc.

My isolation is virtually complete now.

I completely agree. Any society is only two meals ...

2011-11-08T13:52:59.221Z

I completely agree. Any society is only two meals away from anarchy. We like to pretend we're much more civilised than those savages in Africa who seem to machete each other at a moments notice but really we're not.

All that's changed is the rolling 24 hour news coverage and the availability of cheap helicopters.

Ha, yes, you do have a point there. I've got f...

2011-10-31T07:45:03.750Z

Ha, yes, you do have a point there. I've got far more in common with my watch than most celebrities. Unless they have the same watch.

News media also tells us that Simon Cowell has sai...

2011-10-31T05:20:12.264Z

News media also tells us that Simon Cowell has said something grumpy on the telly, or a footballer's willy has done something bad, or one of the Saturdays has been to a party, wearing shoes. The end of BST may be predictable, but it does say more to me about my life.

That sort of shizzle should get you through to the...

2011-08-05T09:35:17.179+01:00

That sort of shizzle should get you through to the live semi-final on Britain's Got Talent...

My well documented superpower is walking over Lego...

2011-08-05T09:19:45.645+01:00

My well documented superpower is walking over Lego barefoot AND feeling NO pain!

I tend to go with a snack consultancy who send som...

2011-08-04T17:43:24.848+01:00

I tend to go with a snack consultancy who send someone out every now and then to help me along. I would say the intern is definitely an entry position on my staff, though.

I actually have a bib at home, bought for me by co...

2011-08-04T17:42:20.051+01:00

I actually have a bib at home, bought for me by colleagues a few years back. I would wear it more, but I think it was designed for someone 26 years younger than me.

They don't look obviously woman-like, I do hav...

2011-08-04T17:41:27.513+01:00

They don't look obviously woman-like, I do have to point out. It's not like I'm wandering around in a pair of Manolos.

I think everyone reading this will agree with me —...

2011-07-27T17:27:28.615+01:00

I think everyone reading this will agree with me — pics of the shoes are needed.